I was feeling a bit grumpy this morning so I pulled up my Humor File and found this that my husband had sent a while back. Most of these are familiar, but they're still funny -- and smart.
An exchange between Winston Churchill and Lady Astor.
Lady Astor: "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
Churchill: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament and Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli.
Parliamentarian: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
Disraeli: "That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
Walter Kerr described a man thusly: "He had delusions of adequacy."
Winston Churchill had a way with words: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Attorney Clarence Darrow of Scopes Monkey Trial Fame: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Author William Faulkner who truly disliked Ernest Hemingway had this to say about Hemingway: "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
Mark Twain never hedged when he stated his opinion:"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill frequently had words to exchange.
Shaw said: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend... if you have one."
Churchill responded:"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Irvin S. Cobb said of an acquaintance:"I've just learned about his illness Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
This one is so good, it gives me shivers.Paul Keating said: "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Producer Billy Wilder said of an acquaintance: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
The great Groucho Marx said something I've often thought: "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Smart people really know how to insult.